On Thursday morning I woke up to my alarm and checked my email while I was still in bed. This is a habit I’ve gotten into over the last few months. Constantly checking my email. Waiting for any information about our case moving forward.
There was an email from our case manager who is in Ethiopia right now and 9 hours ahead of us. It was just a generic “Hey Tye and Kali, as your court date will be assigned soon here is some information . . .” Communicating travel plans, setting up a driver, guest house, packing lists, getting a prescription for anxiety medication. I went to work and checked my email again.
That was when the most exciting and terrifying and wonderful email came. After just a few hours we got another update from our case manager who sounded as surprised as we were about to be. “It looks like you could be traveling very soon! I’ve requested a court date for December 1st or 3rd. Does that work for you?”
“Ooooooooo, ummmmm, shoot. No, actually, we’re busy those days. How about the next week?” Was not our reply.
“YESSSSSSSSSSSS! ABSOLUTELY! Either one would be great.” Was our reply.
The next day we received confirmation that we need to be in court in Ethiopia on December 3rd. Within an hour we had flights and a guest house booked.
And now,
time.
Is.
Standing.
Still.
In just over a week we will meet our son for the first time and our lives will change. I am assuming this is similar to pregnancy. You wait and wait and wait and wait for months and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! PUSHING! PEOPLE ALL UP IN THERE! DILATED TO 30 OR WHATEVER! A BABY! And now there is a little person counting on you for everything. Forever.
There have only been a couple other times in my life I’ve had this combination of feelings of nervous/anxious/excited. One was taking my exam for my PT license. For days leading up to the test I felt completely unprepared, pressured, and like if I moved the wrong way all of the information I needed would just fall out of my head.
In comparison, right now I feel completely unprepared, pressured, and like if I look at him the wrong way my child will hate me forever or I will just break him. I’ve heard of that happening.
What am I afraid of?
that he will cry / that he won’t eat / that he won’t sleep / that he will be too scared and I won’t be able to comfort him / that he will fall / him eating things he shouldn’t / he stops breathing / he hates me / he falls out a window / he doesn’t like any of the toys I brought / that he get’s lost / he cries during the whole flight and people know that he hates me / that he won’t like Happy Meals or dessert / Roger eats him / Roger knocks him over and he hates Roger / he doesn’t like his room / he can’t sleep / he’s scared and I can’t comfort him / because he hates me
I think all of this fear and anxiety is based on a realistic idea that he will be so scared. I would be, too. He’s going to be faced with a lot of changes and all I can do is love him and help him through it. I can help him to know that there is a family who has been waiting for and praying for and talking about him for months and they are ready to meet all of his basic needs and raise him to feel accepted and loved.
If Restu had a blog I think there would be titles like
Who are You and Where are You Taking Me?
Or
What Are You Trying to Feed Me?
Or
What. Is. THAT. And Why is it in Our House. And is it Going to Eat Me. (Roger)
Or
I Have to Sleep by MYSELF?: Where are all My Friends.
theeckerthouse 